the world's top agent
the agency: mission control team
New team members needed for top secret missions
Speedy typing hands
Not horrified by numbers
Good "serious hacking" face
Seeking tech-savvy hacker to stop upstart secret agents from getting themselves killed.
When Agent inevitably sets off an alarm, gets trapped behind a magnetically locked door (again), or winds up in a room with the walls slowly closing in we’ll need someone who can work computer magic and press the right clever buttons to make it all stop.
Big, chunky glasses desired but not essential.
Good repertoire of "silly voices"
Bare faced liar
Seeking smooth talking communicator to blag their way through the side door when all else fails.
Ideal candidate would have extensive lying experience. Different excuse for being late to work everyday? Definitely didn’t nick your friends shoes even though you’re wearing them? Why are you here? Oh, you’ve already drawn a fake moustache on and pronounced yourself the head waiter. If this sounds familiar, this could be the role for you.
Fake moustache desired but not essential.
High tolerance of "are we there yet?" enquiries
Intimate knowledge of North, South, Left, West, Dennis, and other directions
Has a thing for compasses
Map Genius/Navigator required.
High patience for giving directions is a must (especially to agents who do not know their arse from their elbow). Good understanding of Kafka-esque office block architecture and willingness to persuade Agent to swan dive through a ring of fire if necessary also helpful.
Calming sat nav voice desired but not essential.
Ability to say "I'm reviewing the intel now" in an impressive sounding way
Good "serious reading" face
Previous experience of finding needles in haystacks (please bring needle to interview as proof)
Your friend says they have their eye on someone at work and you’ve already found out that they’re into canoeing from Facebook, read their in-depth thoughts on Disney buying out Star Wars on Twitter, and watched their last 5 Tik Tok dances (their dab is weak). Sound like you? Then you could be our Researcher.
Ideal candidate would be able to digest tacky magazine articles, spy on personal emails and wade through reams of office records to find the information we need.
Strong librarian vibe preferred but not essential.
Experienced in herding cats
Excellent "scary teacher" voice
Can say "It's my way, or the highway" without irony
In need of [bossy boots (remove)] [authoritative individual (replace)] to wrangle teams of agents and take charge.
If you were prefect, even though your school didn’t have prefects, you could be our coordinator. Ideal candidate would have experience getting so called ‘adults’ to stop squabbling and get the job done. Mildly threatening presence desirable.
Repertoire of "Leadership Quotes" preferred but not essential.